Christmas made easy: 'secret weapon' for handling difficult relatives

Updated 10 days ago by Carla Mascarenhas

Set expectations early, avoid divisive topics, and be ready to apologise - these are some of the tips experts give older Australians for navigating Christmas with ease.

Brisbane etiquette expert Jo Hayes told The Senior that Christmas can act as a "magnifying glass" for emotions.

"Joy is magnified, along with the spirit of giving and goodwill," she said. "But it also magnifies financial pressures, strained relationships, conflict, and loneliness."

She added that the season can be "uniquely stressful" for older Australians, with challenges ranging from stressful family dynamics to managing loneliness.

Clinical psychologist Dr Kelly Gough concurred noting the week leading up to Christmas as a psychologist is always "chockers".

"Many people struggle with parts of their family or friendship networks that they don't normally see, and there's the added pressure that Christmas has to be perfect - no one wants to be the one to ruin it," he said.

Boundaries

Baby boomers and beyond largely grew up without 'boundaries' as a relational concept, said Ms Hayes.

"Often, 'giving one's all' without boundaries was praised and lauded," she said.

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She advised, "be kind, calm and clear", particularly at Christmas when demands can be heightened.

"Don't let situations escalate to a point where emotions 'explode' due to a lack of boundaries," she said.

Ms Hayes recommended waiting or delaying responding to social engagements or requests, such as babysitting grandchildren.

"That gives you the time and space to clearly think through what you're committing to, and your capacity," she said.

"It's okay to say, 'I need to think about it'.'"

Conversation topics

Dr Gough's advice is to 'Think about it before you get there'.

"What topics are you willing to talk about? Who is likely to be emotionally charged?" he said.

"If you can practise and prepare for those situations, it can ease some of the anticipatory anxiety."

He suggested shared memories, such as past family holidays, are often the best conversation starters.

Asking, "What has been the most joyous thing that happened this year?" is also a good option.

"It keeps it positive," he said.

Dr Gough noted that family conflict can be inevitable, particularly if people have a glass of wine or two.

"Someone might say something without thinking, or bring up an old wound. It is okay to apologise," he said.

"It's also okay to step away or leave early."

Difficult family members

We all have them.

But Ms Hayes said for starters people should first examine their own behaviour.

Then if you are all clear "minimising one-on-one engagement is often wise. But do so politely and kindly".

A "secret weapon" is to conquer with kindness.

"Ask about them - their work, their children - and offer compliments on their outfit or the dish they've brought," Ms Hayes said.

Gifts

Gifting can be a tricky concept, particularly for family members.

Ms Hayes recommended that if you're stuck for ideas, "cold hard cash" is always a winner when tucked into a thoughtfully written card.

"If money is tight, edible treats are always well received," she said.

Navigating loneliness

Loneliness can be a real challenge for older people, especially after losing a spouse or loved one, or due to financial pressures.

"One of the best ways to combat loneliness is to get out there and do something good for others," Ms Hayes said.

"I know a number of older people who, through the loss of a spouse/loved one, could fall into the 'loneliness' category, but they refuse.

"They volunteer at hospices, visit the sick, and the elderly (those older than themselves!), visit their neighbours, bake treats for the neighbours children, offer to help with Christmas events at their local church."

Free community events, such as those at churches, are also a great way to meet people.